Let’s Talk…

There’s so many topics that are considered taboo to talk about openly, things that you only discuss with your closest friends or family because you’re afraid you might offend someone or the fear of being labelled ignorant. I’m one of those people who shoots my mouth off about everything to anyone and it often lands me in trouble. That being said, I do that because I’d like to hear others’ opinions about certain topics as I like to see life from a different perspective. I’ve had an interesting conversation with someone recently, a Facebook friend and I realised that things I experience on a daily basis and accept as normal in my life, were not as normal as I thought it was.

Let’s start off with my absolute inability to have a need for human contact, and I’m not referring to haphephobia. I love being on my own, I interact with fellow human beings at work and social setups but if I could choose, I’d be a hermit, a recluse. It’s not that I don’t like people, it’s just the problems and issues that comes along with interacting with and letting people into your life are draining. My friendship with other human beings survives and thrive because we barely see each other but when I need you, or vice versa, I know you got my back. I often allow people in, only to be met by all the issues I’ve tried to avoid. I’m not rude, most people perceive me as friendly and would randomly walk up to me to have a conversation. I don’t have issues with that but often the conversation become monotonous, which is partly my fault as I tend to zone out a lot, and I’d be too polite to stop it so it goes on and on and on and I’d need an entire weekend in my own company to regroup afterwards.

I’m a overthinker and I’m seriously considering meditation, hypnosis, well anything that can assist in combatting that. I’m unable to relax, that’s a foreign feeling to me. I often visit the spa to “try” to relax, to no avail. Something as relaxing as a bubble bath with candle lights sends my mind into overdrive. I’d sit in there, thinking about relaxing but not actually relaxing. I also suffer from social anxiety disorder where I tend to envision social scenarios in advance, like I’d get invited to an event and I’d be thinking about how it will go down, what I’d be wearing, how I’d interact with people, what I’d be saying, how I’d be making a fool of myself etc. It psych me out so much that I often end up not leaving my house. It’s ironic that I’m in the media industry, as someone pointed out, because that usually involves events, interacting with others, etc. Surprisingly I’ve managed to control it in recent years as I always thought I felt that way because I’m an introvert and I’m extremely shy, which most people don’t know about me. I’ve created a persona that helps me cope with that, I overcame my shyness because I had to and moved on from there.

I almost had a panic attack once at a women’s day conference because, wait for it, there were so many women! I mean, I expected it but seeing about 400+ females in one venue scared me. I’ve always been friends with mostly guys because, as cliché as it may sound, it’s less drama. It also had a lot to do with the fact that most of my cousins I saw on a regular basis were boys and so was my neighbour. I used to play rugby, soccer, cricket or whatever they were playing with them. It comes through in my life right now because I’m really chilled and most people assume I’m lesbian (not sure when chilled started equaling being a lesbian but yeah)I don’t have issues with lesbians, one of my best friends are lesbian (see what I did there?) My point being, I’m so over being affected by what people think of or say about me as I’ve worried about that most of my life. I’ve tried so hard to conform until I realised how unhappy I became because of that.

In retrospect this post started out as a conversation on Facebook and I thought it would remain that. I don’t know why I decided to post it on the blog, I guess I wanted you, as my readers, to know a little bit more about me. Let me know if you can even remotely relate to anything I’ve written in this post, it will make me feel less weird but if you don’t, do share your quirks. I’d love to hear from you.

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5 thoughts on “Let’s Talk…

  1. Hi there Not sure if you want the post on your blogging website or not; however I can totally relate to you and what you are going through.  I’ve always belived mysef to be an introvert, have often been told I am,  yet in certain people’s company my inner introvert becomes somewhat of an extrovert. I used to work in the IT industry,  well I was a Personal Assistant to a Chairman of a JSE listed IT Company, dealing with people telephonically was never a problem;  it was a huge responsibility however as he often travelled and I had to basically oversee the running of the company;  however interaction with one person or many people has always been a problem for me; due to this I actually take meds for anxiety … I don’t think many people even realised I had this problem, certainly not in the position I was in. Crowds freak me out completely, I sit amongst people like a manequin hoping and praying that no one strikes up a conversation with me.  Personally I think that my ex-boss he prefered not having to interact with many people as we had an entire wing of a building in Rivonia to ourselves and no matter how often our Financial Director begged to be in OUR area, he just would not…. which takes me to where I am in life now.  Ten years ago we left Gauteng to start a guest house, yes obviously there would be interaction with people, however we often have guests staying for a week at a time who I don’t even meet.  My husband and I work well as a team, perhaps too well as he sees to the guests every need… I am in the kitchen cooking and more than comfortable not having to see/speak or interact with any of them; in fact as znd wgen i hear vpics close to me abd i happendix to be oit side. .. i get ‘out if sight”….. our ‘aquaintances’ find it extremely odd that we chose to do what we do considering that we prefer no interaction / not too much.  When we have no one around/guests we could go partying or out to dinner and mingle with people however we dont, and it’s by our own choice, is it that we are perhaps selfish with our time or that our preference is not to have to interact with more people, not entirely sure.. it’s something we have spoken about as I think that its probably un-natural…we dont even enjoy having people over for drinks and or snacks when we do have the time as basically all we want is to be on our own / alone so I totally get where you are coming from.  Not sure if you get my petsoecgivery on whatI go through,  but I think it’s somewhat similar. .. ANONYMOUS

    Sent from Samsung tablet

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I wasn’t sure if I want to keep the post up but if it allows others to relate to some of the things I go through, I’ve achieved what I intended to. There’s so many things you’ve said and I nodded my head as I’m reading it as I can totally relate to how you feel. I’m glad that your husband understands and supports you by making things a bit easier.

      Like

  2. Wow this is so me always thought I was weird liking to be alone and gosh I tried meditation not I can’t stop my brain being busy. Anxiety, over thinking very overwhelming.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only one. I never used to share this side of me with people but realised that there’s so many others that think they’re alone in this and that no one understands. I’m happy you could relate 🙂

      Like

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