As an introvert with crippling social anxiety, it’s not easy for me to meet new people or remain friends with them. Most of these people are ships in the night, passing by. Quite often I have a surprisingly good time with them but I also know it won’t ever be replicated so there’s generally no follow-up meeting. It might seem weird but hear me out: When I meet you the first time you’re bound to either like me or not, no in-between. I will be myself, totally authentic with the (more than) occasional swear words, perverted comments, wisecracks and dark humour but that might not happen again. You might have caught me on a good day and discovered one facet of my personality but that’s not all I am. I have days where I’m generally honest (mean) offensive and a real pain in your rear and other days where I want to be left alone (almost every day), when depression hits me and I can’t even manage a witty comeback. There are days that I’ll act like a spoilt brat, needy and pick fights over stupid things and days where I’ll smother you with affection.
Depending on which day you met me on, I won’t see you again. If you’ve met me when I had an anxiety attack, at my weakest and most vulnerable, I won’t see you again. If you’ve met me when I was mean and hurtful, I won’t see you again. If you’ve met me when I was my authentic self, I won’t see you again. You won’t ever meet me when I’m all these things in one day so I won’t ever see you again.
I’ve met a lot of interesting people recently, over the course of December and the first half of January. The interesting thing is that most of the ones I got along with, were men. Women, one or two and the rest just decided instantly that I won’t be a part of the clique, the inner circle. Why do we as females do that though? We have these preconceived ideas about another woman without knowing her. We decide she’s here to steal our men, if she looks a certain way, with no proof whatsoever. I’ve never felt as unwelcome and uncomfortable as I did in a predominantly female “company”. It took me to my lowest low and I started looking for flaws within myself, which was absolutely terrible. I don’t ever want to feel that way again, I don’t ever want to be judged based on how I look within the first few seconds without you even knowing me. I have a best friend for 13+ years and we see each other once or twice a year for about 2 hours and she’s the closest thing I have to a sister. It’s also the longest friendship I’ve ever had with a female. Other friendships fizzled shortly after a man got into the equation, that was usually the common denominator or when rumours were being spread. In 2017 I’ve lost 3 “friends” that were very dear to my heart because of the aforementioned reasons, “friends” I would’ve and did everything for, friendships I put my heart and soul into, for what?
As you can tell by now there’s no common thread to this post, I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I just needed a place to rant for a bit, to let out my frustrations and writing has always allowed me to do that. If I didn’t do this, I would’ve been stuck in this bottomless pit of self-doubt and depression with a looming panic attack. I’ve decided that acceptance is key, self-love is imperative and self-doubt won’t get me anywhere. I’ll own who I am, weirdness and all because normal isn’t something to aspire to, its something to get away from.
“She’s a paradox,faithful yet detached. Committed,yet relaxed. She loves everyone yet no one at the same time. She is sociable but also a loner,gentle yet tough,passionate but also platonic. In short she’s predictable in her unpredictability.”
“Introverts/empaths have a high level of brain activity, so not only are they still stimulated in solitude, but become overstimulated easily. They are constantly interpreting and channeling information from other planes of existence, this is why they are prone to creativity. Their creative outlet actually allows them to accurately churn all of the energy that they are channeling into a positive source, opposed to over thinking.”